May 29, 2013 Shuzzr

I’ve herd of love at first sight but I always thought it was a phrase that meant more just being said, as I didn’t think such could actually happen. 

I was new in town an I prepared myself for the fight, the fight of finding love, a new life and a new me as the old was cursed, banished, a life of torture of not being able to find love or being loved for who I was as their was so much more to me than the sexual acts my body could perform, the acrobatic unearthly pleasures I could give and the rare beauty I posses. It was a deadly combination, that only resulted in my detriment. 

But I was vulnerable and ready, open to all possibilities yet cautious. Internalizing  my reservations about having my walls down even though to the public I was a solid rock. 

I didn’t know what I was looking for, as all preconditions, requirements were removed but the standards remain high as I demanded little but yet so much. 

Then it happened. An accident by fate, perceived by destiny. I saw you and I didn’t expect much but you listened and we talked and though it was Influenced by liquid courage, it progressed through our system. With all the wrong variables in place seemed to produced the right results. 

I was entrapped by your silence, your heartbeat & youth. Though you were the broken one I was the one who needed saving and I just wanted you to stay. 

I was paralyzed by your youth, energized by your strengthen, weaken by the your rhythmic movement. 

We became one, a whole. Our beings were now co dependent and we understood not just our past but the present as we glanced and prepared for the future. But our faith in love was the problem as our inexperiences and quest to defy the odds ripped us further apart. 

Time got the better us as the more it passed we grew further apart. You showed forgiveness and went in another direction while I stood desperately in need of it. I stood alone in darkness, tortured by the silence, slowly dying from being lonely.

I tried to keep the memories close, even used it as motivation but the pain lingers daily. Your absence made me sick & I was diagnose with cancer left to face a life filled with chemotherapy- recovery not an option, death a surety.  

The questions still remain unanswered. Where should I go? What should I do? As I’m still cursed by this life. A life without you. 

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